Fears and anxiety can creep up on you at any point in your life. If you knew me before, say 22, you would know, I love people and being around them. Today, you might question if I could even carry on an adult conversation some days. There are a lot of reasons this might be so, such as I spend all day with two littles under the age of 4. This has had a little effect on me but the main thing that has affected me has been my recent miscarriage. I don't understand why it has manifested this way but it has made it hard lately to even be around people much less carry on a conversation.
My friends have been great and reached out to me for comfort, just to talk or invite me to something. One friend last week texted me probably 4 times and I never responded. I love her and have no reason to be upset but for some reason every time I picked up my phone to respond, I froze. It is a weird anxiety to say the least. Another sweet mommy friend has messaged me to comfort me because she has been through this also, but I haven't responded yet. I can't put the words down. Like I said, I don't understand it.
So I am trying to work through it and recover a little bit of my confidence currently. I have started back reading a devotion that speaks to me and trying to find a Bible verse each day to respond to that anxiety and hold onto it. I am trying to talk with my husband more about how I feel instead of pretending I am okay until I explode in tears and have to miss a friend's little boy's birthday party because I just can't handle it.
This weekend I did something a little out of the norm for me and way against how I have been feeling. I attended a planner meetup with about 80 other women. When I bought my ticket it was supposed to be around 30 people and they changed the venue to hold more a few weeks later. I almost didn't go. I had myself talked out of it. I needed to be home with my family, my husband had worked long hours and needed the reset. He encouraged me to go and so did one other person. I won't name her because she may not want me to, but she gave me just enough reason to get me out of the door.
The thing is, I had never met her before Saturday at the meetup. We had just chatted online. She is a strong lady who is very sweet. We joked about giving each other a big hug when we met, and we did just that. She was my anchor that day and she reminded me that the Lord will always be my anchor. So that day, I met a lot of great ladies and had a lot of fun. Hopefully, started new friendships with some. I walked up and talked to several people, including some that I have admired online. I even told them that and sounded quite dorky, but I did it. I took loads of pictures even though I don't like how I look right now. I put myself out there.
One thing I do know happened, is that I grew a little that day. Another thing I know is there is one lady who has a tried and true friend when she needs me. She helped me step out, and for that I am grateful.
So if anyone else is reading this, and feels this way, know that it can get better. Also know that you can help someone else without even knowing it.